Who Should It Be?
by XNemesis
Summary: Crack!fic. Sauron won and and gets his body back. Things go a bit pear shaped from there.


Ku chan: OHAYO!!! Oh wait…wrong language…um yeah…HI!!!

Kura: the term woulda been wrong anyway bozo…ohayo means good morning and its 1:47PM

Ku chan: who fucking cares? Not me! Anyways, this is my first LotR ficcie so please tell me what you think.

Disclaimer: *oopsie…it ran away* muahaha *sees evil men in white suits shaking their fists* um oh look at that…it's back…it says I don't own anything, literally…I won't even own myself til I turn 18 O_O

Who Should It Be?

~@~@~@~@~@~

Sauron had done it. He had finally gotten the one ring from that annoying hobbit and all his friends. It was all over. He had won. He now retired to be but first decided that he should take a bath. After all, he hadn't had one in over 3000 years. (a/n: is that right?) He figured he probably smelled like smoke after the deal with being a fiery eye and all.

He went to his private bathroom and began stripping down. It took a while with the mask and armor and all. And what he saw in the mirror when he was don was shocking. He saw a pretty black haired, crimson eyed, pale skinned _girl_. He or rather she screamed.

This was a very odd thing so naturally no one really knew what to do when they heard the scream. It was not everyday that the Dark Lord suddenly started screaming his head off. Of course no one knew of his plight either.

"Okay, I have to calm down," she though desperately. 'I need to get dressed before I get help. Damnit. I don't have any dresses. Um. I should though. I had to have known I was a girl at some point in life so I'd obviously have some female clothing." So she searched through her clothing but found that it was all armor, masks, capes, shirts, and pants. 'Wonderful.' She pulled on a shirt and some pants, both of which were huge on her but she had never noticed before because of all the armor.

'Now, to get help. Let's see, there's Saruman, he's ok; Wormtongue, I don't think so, he'd probably molest me; an orc, um no; a warg, what good would that do; a cave troll, no; or a Nazgül, that should work considering they're my most loyal servants but which on? I certainly don't need all nine of them in here. Hmm, two should work, but I think Saruman should be one of them. The other should be the Lord of the Nazgül. "Saruman, Lord of the Nazgül! Come here now!"

Saruman wondered why Sauron would need him but headed up anyway. The Nazgül Lord however, went up with only a "I ammm coming massssterrrrr." For he had never questioned Sauron so why should he now?

The Nazgül entered the room first being much faster than the old wizard and partly because Saruman tended to keep away from the Nazgül in general. When Saruman had joined their side, Sauron had replaced the Nazgül with Saruman as his favorite evil minion. They did not appreciate this one bit. In their opinions, had they led the attack on Helm's Deep, they would've won. Once it got a good look at Sauron it froze. Then Saruman entered. He froze too. They were both shocked. Before them stood their lord but he was a she. A very pretty she at that.

"Um, help?" Sauron said.

"Okay, um, first we need to um get a dress," Saruman replied, still in shock.

"Well what am I supposed to do? Just walk out to the market and buy one?"

"Whyyyy nottt? You arrrre the rrrulerrrrr offff Middle Earthhhh. You cannnnn do whateverrrrr you desssssire to do."

"Oh, right, I can do whatever I want!" she smiled. "Saruman, go to the market and get me a dress."

"Why me? Why not him?" he protested.

"Because I'm Ki- I mean Queen and I said so!" Saruman grumbled and left. "So, um, how have you been?" she asked the Nazgül.

"Whyyyyy arrrre you asssssking meeeee? I do not havvvvve a purrrrposssssse otherrrrr than sssssserrrrrrrrvvving you. Iffffff you carrrred to knowwwww you wouldn'ttt havvvvvve to assssssssk."

"Oh, um, right." 'Duh' she mumbled internally. 'He's a Nazgül.' She mentally grumbled over only having two servants who were in their right minds.

Saruman finally returned but was not alone when he arrived. "Why did you bring him here?" she questioned, glaring at Gandalf the White.

"No reason really," Gandalf answered for Saruman, "I merely saw him buying a dress in the market place and asked him why. He told me and I figure that as long as Middle Earth is under your control I might as well help you."

"Oh, um, this is surprising." The Nazgül shot a murderous glare in Gandalf's direction.

"Okay, you now have proper clothing. That's good. But you'll need something else," Gandalf said.

"And that would be?"

"A husband."

"A WHAT!?! WHY THE HELL WOULD I NEED ONE OF THEM!?!"

"Because women don't hold any power without one," Saruman answered.

"Wonderful. Just peachy. You're on my side about this right?" she shot at the Nazgül.

"Norrrmalllllyyyyy I woulddd agrrrreeeeee with you but theyyyyyy arrrre corrrrrrect."

"Well how would you know anyway?" she sneered.

"Becausssssse I wasssss onccccceeeee a kinggg offfffff men. I knowwwww howww societyyyyy worrrrrrrrkkkkssssss."

She sighed in defeat. "Let's see…who can I marry?"

"Um, how about the former King of Gondor. No one would question your rule if you did that," the former Istari suggested.

"He's bound to the Evenstar."

"Eomer of Rohan?"

"Let's try not going to die anytime within the next hundred years."

"Celeborn of Lothlorien?"

"Taken by the Noldo."

"She sailed for Valinor, abandoning him here."

"He'll join her eventually."

"Elrond of Rivendell?"

"In Valinor."

"His son's, Elladan or Elrohir?"

"Those two hellion twins? I don't think so." 

Saruman was starting to get frustrated. 'She's being difficult on purpose,' he grumbled to himself. "What about him?" he said sarcastically, pointing at the Lord of the Nazgül. "Or better yet, me or this old fool? Or the other Nazgül? An orc? Perhaps an Uruk hai? What about a cave troll? Maybe a warg would please you?" he raged.

The next thing he new was a sword against hi throat. Furious with him for exploding at her, she had seized the Nazgül's sword and threatened him.

"Um, I'll shut up now," he squeaked.

"You had better."

~!~

A Day Later

~!~

"Let's see…Saruman or Nazgül? Saruman or Nazgül?" 'Um…I don't know!' "Saruman, Nazgül Lord! Get up here now!" she yelled.

They both came quickly. "Yesssssss?"

"Which of you is better?" she asked sweetly.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Just tell me, which of you is better?"

Well it's me obviously," Saruman said haughtily.

The Nazgül was not as dim as Saruman. He knew exactly why she wanted to know, but that was offensive to it. He was naturally better. He was stronger, more powerful, and a hell of a lot more frightening. "I ammmm," he hissed angrily.

"I actually have a body. Not some wisp of wind inside a suit of armor and a cloak."

"I havvvvve a body assssssss welllll."

"Let me see then. Take down your hood." The Nazgül removed its hood to reveal an extremely sexy looking young man. "That's not fair!"

"Ssssee, I ammm betterrrrrr."

"Really? At least I talk normal."

"Whyyyy does it matterrrrrrr? Sheeeee gavvve me thissssss voicccce. I ammm sssssstrrrrongerrrrr than you."

"Only because I was stripped of my magic."

"You werrrrre defeated by a bunchhhhh offffff walking, talking treeeeeeessssssss whhhhile I am undefeatablllllle. Alsssssooo, I ammmm eternallyyyyy young whillle you arrre eternally old."

"You know what? I think that settles it. You," she looked at the Nazgül, "are obviously much better." She kicked Saruman out of her room and proceeded to have fun with the, now revealed to be extremely sexy and young, Nazgül.

~@~@~@~@~@~@~

Ku chan: that was fun to write!!! ^_^ Yes I know that the Nazgül are nothing more than spirits and that everyone in this ficlet is extremely OOC (probably one of the worst cases ever) but this is my ficlet. I am authoress so I can do what I want. I think it's kinda funny.

Kura: that's because you're really messed up.

Ku chan: shut up. Anyways, it's their fault *points at muses* they inspired me.

Kura: whatever…please review!!!

Ku chan: yes!!! REVIEW!!! Buh byes!!!


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